there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
