The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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