Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
