3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
