Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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