nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
