The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
