he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
