My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just pynch a tree in the face
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
