Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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