I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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