Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
