not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
