they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
