Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
