Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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