dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
