i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
