To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
