You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
