I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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