she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
