Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
