Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
