It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
