Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
