Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My balls are so social today.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
