when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
