my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
