I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
