She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
