why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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