So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
