I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
