A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
