i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Mom said you looked used
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
