I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
