Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
This girl is more easily done than said...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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