Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You took a bar mat shot.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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