It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
