I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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