I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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