Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
