I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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