Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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