When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
