1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
