I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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