just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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