Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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